Is it ok to love something that you also hate?

What about crying for the morning and laughing for the afternoon, just to go to bed in tears again?

Can I adore someone that also makes me so angry?

This is where I am.  

It goes without saying, but I will anyway.  The world is in chaos.  Had you told me when I was 29 weeks pregnant that by the time I inched up to 30 weeks along the country would be in lockdown, I would have freaked out a little bit.  I might have even hoarded toilet paper.  I wouldn’t have believed it, really.  

But my belly reached the 30 week rounded out size and it came true.  Complete lockdown. The 5 weeks that have followed have brought us to the new well-spoken phrase of “social distancing.”  Don’t get too close.  Wear a mask.  Don’t talk too “moistely.”  Close the schools.  Close the parks.  Close the restaurants.  Close your businesses.  Hopefully temporarily but likely permanently for many.  Consider injecting yourself with disinfectant.  Don’t go outside.  But try to keep breathing.  Just breathe.

Please understand me.  I fully support the social distancing parameters and efforts of our communities.  After all, it is working – we are collectively saving lives and our healthcare system and I am, just a lot, proud of us.  

My mind is overwhelmed just as yours is.  I struggle and you, in all likelihood, do too.  The uncertainty moving forward healthwise, financially, socially, and emotionally is too much.  We could each categorize our stress, rate it against another’s and look outward for support.  What we find is others needing support, navigating their own stressors, and as confused as we are.  

“Unprecedented” doesn’t cover it.  

I am finding myself loving the isolation, I have to be honest.  I had to drive to get food today and I forgot how to get to the store.  I missed the turn I’ve taken hundreds of times.  The lack of driving has been glorious.  The endless hours, the promise of more hours if I miss the chance on this one.  I’m feeling the false sense that time is just going to keep giving me more of it’s valuable resource, filled with nothing except whatever I decide to put in it.  What a beautiful thing.

But I also hate it all.  I mean, really.  Who loves to be around their kids constantly?  No programs to drop them off at, no friends houses to leave them at. Just home.  With us.  All the time.  The glory of one precious moment with our kids quickly turns to spilled juice and siblings fighting.  And the global suffering, people losing people, lives lost and crushed. The pain is real.

Does anyone else feel the pull in all directions right now?  The guilt of loving aspects of something so horrible?  The strain of endless hours with the kids AND the joy of all the wonderful memories we are making with them?  The love felt for a spouse and the anger that brews and boils when that trigger button is pushed again?  

The fear and the peace.  The love and the shame.  The motivation and the lethargy.  

It’s all too much.  And it’s all ok.  

Today, let us feel it all, accept it all, and be kind to ourselves.